Setting boundaries with children
Discussing boundaries and consequences is a complex and packed conversation; one that is not easy to break down, especially regarding respectful parenting. So let’s dig in - as much as possible - exploring how we effectively communicate boundaries, how they are different from consequences and threats, and ways of keeping boundaries (not consequences) in place.
How are boundaries, consequences and threats different?
Boundary: The intent to communicate a limit that has been designed to maintain safety, prevent injury and respect the needs of others.
Threat: The intent to coerce a child into complying with the boundary.
Consequence: The intent to inflict pain or remove a pleasure in an effort to ensure the child complies with a boundary in the future.
Examples
Scenario 1: Playing with a glass vase, refusing to put it down.
Boundary: “Playing with a vase is not safe. Would you like to put it down yourself, or do you need my help?”.
Upholding boundary: Parent steps in and gently removes the vase from their hands, welcomes the child’s feelings, and puts the vase out of reach for the future.
Threat: “Put that vase down! If you don’t put it down now, I’m going to take away your favourite toy”.
Consequence: Parent takes away child’s toy because they didn’t put it down.
Scenario 2: Riding a bike without a helmet.
Boundary: “I noticed you forgot to put your helmet on. I can’t let you ride your bike without wearing a helmet because it is not safe”.
Upholding boundary: Parent steps in and gently stops the child from riding: “I know you don’t like wearing your helmet; let me explain why it is important and let’s figure out what we can do about it. I’m here to help”.
Threat: “If you don’t put a helmet on, I will take your bike away”.
Consequence: Parent takes away bike for a week.
Scenario 3: Hitting a sibling
Boundary: “I can’t let you hit your sibling. But I can see you are having a hard time, let me help you”.
Upholding boundary: Parent steps in and physically blocks or gently stops the child from hitting their sibling. The parent offers empathy for what prompted the hitting and helps the child effectively communicate their needs.
Threat: “If you don’t stop hitting your sibling, you will go to your room for a time-out”.
Consequence: Parent takes child to their room.
Scenario 4: Not coming home at the agreed time
Boundary: “I noticed that you are late. I need you to come home at the time we agreed on. Let’s solve this problem together”.
Upholding boundary: Parent helps by offering solutions; “I can see you are struggling with coming home on time. What is blocking you from doing so? Is it that you lose track of time? Maybe a watch with an alarm could help! Is it that it’s too hard to leave while playing? Maybe I could come and pick you up! Let’s figure it out!”.
Threat: “If you come home late again, I will not let you play outside for a long time”.
Consequence: “I’m not letting you go out with friends anymore until you learn more responsibility”.
For those of you that are now thinking “I have to threaten my child, because they don’t cooperate with my boundaries!! Keep on reading for how to uphold the boundaries set.
*Note: Setting and following boundaries means that we step in, we remove, we block, we take away, we pick up, we stop, we converse with, we problem-solve and we collaborate with our child to put preventative measures in place.
We definitely do not believe that it is our child’s responsibility to follow the boundaries set, or that we need to make them suffer when they don’t follow our rules. We know that it is our responsibility!