Understanding how grief works

Past theories of grief describe different “stages of grief”, however we now know that this is no longer accurate, since there is no “right” way to grieve and everyone’s grief follows different paths. We have found that in thinking about grief, it is more helpful to consider the idea of “growing around grief”.

Grief (the dark circle) would take up all the mental space, but in time, it would get smaller.

It is now often reported that grief stays the same size, but one’s mental space (the lighter circle) grows space around the grief for other thoughts, experiences, emotions.

Some days, the grief takes up all the space. Some days there is room for other feelings and experiences. Over time, these may become more frequent. But the grief hasn’t shrunk - you’ve grown around the grief.

What to expect, and what to look out for

Most importantly for teachers: you do not need to be an expert in helping your grieving students cope with their grief. Teachers can best help by being present for their students, and attentive to their feelings. Children often feel worried and concerned about how their parents are coping with the grief, so they feel more comfortable talking with their teachers (“my parent is so sad, so I will not show my sad feelings so I do not make them more sad” - it is, therefore, easier to talk to a teacher about grief).

This does not mean that you are expected to act as a therapist or provide a therapeutic environment, but rather offer a supportive environment, where your student is free to express their feelings and thoughts.

Until the age of 7, children may still understand death as something reversible. They may even draw inaccurate conclusions about what caused the death of their loved ones. It is therefore expected for them to express their grief through:

Nightmares/difficulty sleeping = tiredness at school.
Regression to earlier ages (baby talk, attachment to other adults, bedwetting).
Crying easily or excessively or for no (apparent) reason.
Becoming class clown.
Social withdrawal.
Changes in eating habits.
No homework or limited homework completion.
Headaches or stomach aches.
Difficulty focusing in class / poor coordination.
Impulsive behaviours (call out of turn, not staying on task, difficulty sitting, overly talking, not following directions).
Excessive fear of sickness (e.g. flu symptoms might be exaggerated).
Restless / disorganized.

How you can help

Our goal is not to take away the pain of grief, but to give them an opportunity (and the safety) to express it. Stay away from comments that are aimed to cheer them up (“at least you spent your birthday/Christmas/all this time with them before they died”).

Give them the space and time to express their feelings. This may be through talking, or physical outlets such as symbolic play (stories or drawings). The oldest siblings are (sometimes) overlooked compared to younger siblings at home - school can be an outlet for them where they do not need to worry about another person’s grief or how they are processing it.
They may not be ready to talk, or may be feeling overwhelmed. Do not try to force a conversation, but instead let them come to you (or whichever adult they choose) to speak with when they are ready. You will of course be available and supportive, and offer to talk if they need it.
It is a common impulse for adults to share their own personal experiences about their loss. In cases of younger grieving children, it is important to adopt a more “listen more and talk less” approach. This gives them the space to express themselves rather than bringing up your own difficult and painful loss, and possibly indirectly discouraging them from talking with you. If you want to share that you have also had a death in your family or social circle, keep it more general (we have all lost someone, and it is very difficult and sad).
Opt to use the words “dead” or “died”. Expressions such as “eternal rest”, “peaceful sleep” or “passed away” may confuse children. It can be helpful for you to reinforce the basic realities of death that young children are finding hard to understand - such as that it is irreversible, that it is universal, and there are physical reasons why someone dies. This can help remove any misconceptions, can decrease feelings of worry, guilt, and shame.
Grieving people have difficulty concentrating and learning. Younger children can benefit from extra support or leniency with missed homework and temporary changes to testing schedules. You may not need to lower the level of work, but rather lower the number of homework.
Return to routine is important. When children know what to expect, routine helps them feel safe, and reassures them that the adults are in control and keeping them safe (especially after weeks, months, or even years of uncertainty over a relative’s health).
Watch out for signs that they are struggling and need extra help. If they are unable to function in the class, if they withdraw from friends, display behaviour problems, experience intense sadness/fear/anger – this must be communicated with their family and the school principal.
You are encouraged to use the concept of “teachable moments” to create spontaneous lessons of life experiences that are happening now. This can benefit both the grieving student and their classmates. A teachable moment can be that children can express their feelings about death through tears or wishing to be alone. “Sometimes when we feel very sad and it is difficult to control that sadness, we cry. And that’s ok. Just like sometimes when we are happy and we cannot control it, we might laugh or jump up and down. Or when we are feeling angry, we might frown or change our voice. These are all ok”.

Create a safe space for the grieving student by:

Allowing them to step out of the room if needed.
Reminding them to visit an assigned person (school principal, teacher, school counselor) when needed.
Adjusting their work assignments, homework, and tests.
Creating some private time in the day with the teacher to check-in.

What they may need

They may need to acknowledge their deceased family member by using their name or sharing a memory.
They may need to tell their story over and over again.
They may need to use tools such as drawing, writing, role-playing, and re-enactment to safely project feelings and thoughts about the loss and present life outside of themselves.
They need to be allowed to go to a safe place outside the classroom when unexpected, overwhelming feelings arise, without needing to explain why in front of fellow classmates.
Grieving children often are preoccupied with their own health and the health of loved ones. Providing a reality check, such as allowing them to contact family during the school day or to visit the school principal/nurse/counselor/teacher can reassure them that they and their family are okay.
They will most probably need to use memory work to create a physical way to remember their feelings and share them. Memory books are a collection of drawn or written feelings and thoughts that allow a child to re-experience memories in a safe way. The books serve as useful tools to enable children to externalise about the person who died, and open discussion. They can share funny, happy or sad memories.

Children spend as many of their waking hours at school as they do at home. Teachers - you are the front lines of their difficulties and grief. You have the opportunity to lend support to them!

School support for grieving children