Tantrum is now over: What to do next
Following my previous posts about knowing the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum, what to do during a meltdown, what to say after having lost it yourself, and how to cope with a tantrum this post focuses more on what to do after the storm has passed. How do we, as parents and role models, help children effectively communicate what has happened, and more importantly learn from this experience?
Offer praise: When your child has eventually calmed down, praise them for finding a way to regain control of their behaviour. Do this regardless if it was a difficult task or it took a long time. You can use your encouraging words, such as “you are learning self-control”. Let’s not forget that it is not easy for younger children to control their big emotions, and showing understanding and empathy is crucial for connecting with them.
Show your unconditional love: Little children may feel guilty or unsure about how they behaved. Shaming and blaming them for their past behaviour can only lead to triggering more fear and anxiety - similar feelings that started the tantrum initially. You can show your love by offering a hug, verbally reassuring them that you always love them no matter what they are feeling, and ensuring that they remember that you are always there to help.
Don’t expect a discussion right away: Our body and mind are not always in sync, especially with young children. If you notice that your child’s body has calmed, don’t assume that their mind has also calmed. They may need extra time to process what happened. And that’s ok! If they are not ready for a discussion yet, don’t force a conversation, or ask too many questions. Give them a few more minutes, sit calmly with them, maybe even offer a comfort object or do a quiet activity with them.
Discuss alternative choices/behaviours: When your child has calmed their body and their mind, ask them how they can help make things right. If anything was damaged, make sure they are actively taking action to fix it. If anyone was hurt by their actions, make sure that they offer help to make that person feel better. No matter the age, even toddlers (with guidance) can help clean up, offer a hug, or give a toy to cheer someone up.
Continue the conversation: On to problem-solving mode! Your child can think of ideas of what to do next time they are feeling angry, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, ashamed, or tired. You can add your own ideas for safer and healthier ways to express their feelings. You can write a list or draw pictures and hang them up on a visible place.
Follow through with consequences: If your child’s behaviour has natural consequences or a result that they were warned about earlier, make sure they understand what and why they can’t do what they had planned to do. For example, you can say “We can’t play with the game because you broke the pieces”, or “We can’t go to the park, because we ran out of time”. Then you can talk about what better choices they can make next time, so they don’t miss out on activities.
Continue the conversation: Think of each tantrum as a teachable moment - for you and your child. Don’t let previous tantrums be forgotten by you. Look for ways to continue the discussion about feelings, in an age-appropriate way. You can read books with your child about overcoming big feelings or difficult situations and you can use their favourite characters as examples of how they deal with their angry feelings.
If the tantrums are more frequent and violent, you can talk with your paediatrician or a mental health professional about other things you can do.
Tantrums and meltdowns are chaotic and sometimes catastrophic for all involved. When the storm has passed, don’t forget to connect with your child. Especially if your child is of a young age, remember that all that you do while in a calm and patient stance goes a long way!