3 Tips from a psychologist: When your children fight
Children fight - they fight for what seems to us like small and unimportant reasons (one took the other one’s puzzle piece) and what may seem to us like important and big reasons (betraying each other’s trust). But knowing how to verbally argue, how to think about disagreements, and how to handle them is an important life skill! And who better to practice this skill with than siblings?
This is something I deal with often in my work. I successfully guide parents in resolving these issues as productively and effectively as possible. Here are 3 tips on how to approach your children fighting:
1. Teach them to fight well
You read that right yes! Children fighting with each other might be seen as bad or wrong behaviour. BUT in reality, it is as simple as HUMAN behaviour! We all fight, we all argue - especially with those closest to us. All people having strong connections are bound to face friction. Not only is there nothing wrong with your children fighting, it is expected! Here is when it comes to you to teach them how to fight: how to fight well, with respect and communication.
“Everyone fights sometimes, we’ll figure this one out together”
2. Do NOT take sides
Stay away from making one child the “victim” and one the “bully” of the argument. No matter what you think about their fighting, the reason for their argument and how they are acting. Your role is to be the mediator, not the judge or jury! Your role, as the mature, emotionally well-developed and calm role model, is to support all sides equally and without judgment. Think how much better both children will feel if no one is painted in a dark image.
“I want to hear you both. You can tell me what happened, one at a time. I will listen to you both.”
3. Include them in the solution
Children who fight cannot only be the problem. They NEED to be part of the solution. This is how they will learn to solve their problems, practice coping strategies and communication skills.
“I have heard you both. We have all heard each other. Now, what would each of you like to do about it?”
Parenting is training and practicing with our little ones about life skills to use effectively in the real life. Where better to do practice them than in the safety of our home and family?
If you are feeling overwhelmed at home, and you need guidance in solving some problems you are facing, reach out! I am here to help! Call me and we can discuss how I can help you create a calmer and more nurturing home.