Red flags I've heard from parents

As a psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with many families over the years. During this time, I’ve encountered numerous well-intentioned but potentially harmful statements from parents. These “red flags” often come from a place of love and concern, but they can inadvertently affect a child’s development in many negative ways. Here are 7 common red flags I’ve heard from parents and explain why they can be problematic. I’ll also offer some alternative approaches to foster healthy growth and relationships with your children.

“My child is my best friend”

Why it’s a red flag: While it’s wonderful to have a close and loving relationship with your child, treating them as a best friend can blur essential boundaries. Parents need to provide guidance, set limits, and be authority figures, which are roles that a best friend does not fulfil.

Why it’s wrong: Children need clear boundaries and structure. When these boundaries are blurred, it can lead to confusion about authority and expectations. Being treated as a best friend can place emotional burdens on the child, expecting them to provide support and companionship in ways they might not be equipped for.

An alternative approach: Maintain a close bond with your child while clearly defining your role as a parent. This allows you to provide the necessary guidance and support for their development.

“I treat my child like an adult”

Why it’s a red flag: While it’s important to respect your child and acknowledge their growing maturity, treating them as an adult can neglect their developmental needs.

Why it’s wrong: Children are not mini-adults. They require different levels of support, guidance, and protection as they grow. Expecting children to handle adult responsibilities and emotions can overwhelm them, leading to anxiety and stress.

An alternative approach: Encourage independence and responsibility appropriate to their age while providing the support and structure they need.

“I never discipline my child; I want them to be free”

Why it’s a red flag: While fostering independence is crucial, children need boundaries and discipline to understand acceptable behaviour and develop self-control.

Why it’s wrong: Without discipline, children may struggle to understand the consequences of their actions and the importance of rules. Clear boundaries help children feel safe and secure. Without them, they can feel lost and unsure of what is expected of them.

An alternative approach: Use consistent and fair discipline to teach your child about responsibility and consequences, helping them grow into well-adjusted adults.

“I share everything with my child, even adult problems”

Why it’s a red flag: While open communication is important, sharing adult problems with your child can place unnecessary and overwhelming stress and worry on them.

Why it’s wrong: Children are not equipped to handle adult issues like financial stress, work troubles, marital problems, or health concerns. Sharing these problems can make them anxious and insecure about issues that they cannot fully comprehend yet. This can create a role reversal where the child feels responsible for the parent’s well-being, which is inappropriate and harmful to their development.

An alternative approach: Keep adult issues between adults. Provide a safe and secure environment where your child can focus on their own growth and development.

“I don’t let my child make mistakes”

Why it’s a red flag: Protecting your child from all mistakes can hinder their ability to learn and grow.

Why it’s wrong: Mistakes are crucial for learning. They teach resilience, problem-solving, and critical thinking. Shielding your child from failure can make them overly dependent and afraid of taking risks.

An alternative approach: Allow your child to make age-appropriate mistakes and guide them through the process of learning from them. This fosters resilience and independence.

“I always give in to my child to keep them happy”

Why it’s a red flag: Constantly giving in to your child’s demands can create unrealistic expectations and hinder their ability to cope with disappointment.

Why it’s wrong: Your child might develop a sense of entitlement, expecting to always get their way. Experiencing and coping with disappointment is crucial for building emotional resilience.

An alternative approach: Set firm but fair limits. Teach your child that they won’t always get what they want, and help them learn to cope with disappointment.

“I compare my child to others to motivate them”

Why it’s a red flag: Using comparisons to motivate your child can damage their self-esteem and create unnecessary pressure.

Why it’s wrong: Constant comparisons can make your child feel inadequate and lower their self-esteem. If you compare siblings, it can even foster rivalry and resentment.

An alternative approach: Encourage your child to do their best based on their own strengths and abilities. Celebrate their unique qualities and accomplishments.

Parenting is a challenging yet rewarding journey, and it’s natural to want the best for your child. By recognising and avoiding these red flags, you can provide a healthier and more supportive environment for your child’s growth and development. Remember, the goal is to be a loving parent who guides, supports, and nurtures your child while respecting the boundaries and roles that help them thrive.