Why the advice you think is helping your child .... isn't!

I’ve been thinking about a common advice that many well-meaning parents give their children: “Just ignore them when they call you names.” While this might seem like a simple solution to help kids deal with name-calling and bullying, it’s important to understand why this advice often doesn’t work and what it might be teaching our children. Let’s explore the neurodevelopmental and emotional reasons behind this and look at some better strategies to support children.

The neurodevelopmental perspective

Children’s brains are still developing, particularly self-regulation, emotional processing, and social interactions. Below are some explanations why telling a child to “just ignore” hurtful behaviour can be problematic:

Emotional processing

Kids are still learning how to process and manage their emotions. When someone calls them names, it can trigger strong feelings like sadness, anger, or confusion. Simply ignoring these feelings isn’t easy for them, and without guidance, they might not know how to handle these emotions effectively.

Social development

Part of growing up is learning how to navigate social interactions. Ignoring negative behaviour doesn’t teach children how to respond to conflicts or stand up for themselves in a healthy way. They need tools and strategies to manage these situations constructively.

Brain development

The prefrontal cortex, which helps with decision-making and impulse control, is not fully developed in children. This means they often need more support in managing their reactions and understanding the consequences of their actions.

The emotional impact

Ignoring bullying or name-calling can have lasting effects on a child’s emotional well-being:

Internalising hurt

When children are told to ignore hurtful behaviour, they might start to believe that their feelings don’t matter or that they shouldn’t express their emotions. This can lead to internalising hurt, which can affect their self-esteem and mental health.

Feeling unsupported

Kids look to their parents for guidance and support. If they feel like their concerns are being dismissed, they might feel alone and unsupported, which can damage their trust and confidence.

Avoiding conflict

Ignoring negative behaviour doesn’t resolve the issue; it simply avoids it. This can teach children to avoid conflict rather than addressing it, which isn’t helpful in the long run.

Alternative strategies for supporting your child

Instead of telling your child to just ignore name-calling, here are some more effective and supportive strategies:

Validate their feelings

Let your child know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel upset or hurt. Saying something like, “I understand that it hurts when someone calls you names,” can go a long way in making them feel heard and supported.

Teach assertiveness

Help your child learn how to assertively respond to bullying. Teach them phrases like, “I don’t like being called that,” or “Please stop calling me names.” Role-playing these scenarios can help them feel more confident in standing up for themselves.

Encourage open communication

Create an environment where your child feels comfortable talking about their experiences and feelings. Encourage them to share what happened and discuss ways to handle similar situations in the future.

Model positive behaviour

Show your child how to handle conflicts and negative behaviour in a healthy way. Children often learn by watching their parents, so demonstrate empathy, assertiveness, and problem-solving in your own interactions.

Involve their school

If the name-calling or bullying is persistent, don’t hesitate to involve teachers, the school counsellor, or other resources. It’s important to address the behaviour comprehensively to ensure your child feels safe and supported.

While “just ignore them” might seem like simple advice, it often doesn’t address the deeper emotional and developmental needs of children. We can help our kids develop healthy ways to handle negative behaviour and build their confidence and resilience.