It’s OK for children to see their parents angry. But here’s why you should be mindful of what they see
Life’s pressures, frustrations, and unexpected challenges can build up, and before we know it, anger comes out. While we might feel guilty when this happens in front of our children, it’s important to remember that anger is a normal human emotion. It’s not the anger itself that’s harmful - it’s how we express and handle it that leaves an impact.
What children learn about anger
Children learn a lot about emotions, particularly anger, by watching how their parents react in difficult situations. When we get angry, they’re not just seeing the emotion itself; they’re learning how to process, express, and release that feeling. The behaviours they witness during these moments shape their understanding of how anger should be managed.
For example, if they see their parents screaming, slamming doors, or shutting down emotionally, they may internalise these behaviours as appropriate responses to frustration. On the other hand, if they see calm and thoughtful anger management - pausing, breathing, or respectfully explaining frustrations - they learn that anger can be handled in a healthy, constructive way.
So, yes, it’s OK for children to see you angry! But how you express that anger will become their model for what’s acceptable.
Apologising to your child
It’s easy to forget that part of teaching our children emotional intelligence is showing them that everyone makes mistakes - even parents. If you’ve lashed out or handled your anger poorly in front of your child, the best thing you can do is apologise. Apologizing to our children teaches them several valuable lessons:
Taking responsibility: They learn that it’s okay to acknowledge when they’ve done something wrong.
Emotional repair: They see that relationships can be mended, and it’s possible to move forward even after conflict.
Modelling humility: You show them that being an adult doesn’t mean being perfect. Apologising reinforces that growth and improvement are lifelong processes.
When you apologise, you also give your child permission to make mistakes and seek forgiveness, teaching them that everyone can improve.
The importance of “trying our best” and the new day
Parenting is full of trial and error, and there will be days when our best efforts fall short. After moments where we haven’t handled our anger well, it’s important to remind ourselves (and our children) that every day is a fresh start. By showing our children that we can try again tomorrow, we model resilience, accountability, and the understanding that we’re all learning and growing.
This mindset of “I’m doing my best, and tomorrow is a new day” allows both you and your child to release the guilt or frustration of a bad moment and look forward with hope. It’s about teaching perseverance in managing emotions, not striving for perfection.
3 tips for managing anger in front of your child
Model healthy anger management: When you feel yourself getting angry, try to pause and collect your thoughts before reacting. Take deep breaths, and if needed, give yourself some space to calm down before responding to the situation. Explain to your child what’s happening: “I’m feeling very angry right now, so I need a minute to calm down.” This shows them that it’s OK to take time to manage emotions instead of reacting impulsively.
Apologise and explain: If you’ve handled your anger in a way you’re not proud of, apologise to your child. Be specific about what you did wrong and what you wish you had done differently. For example, “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was frustrated, but I should have taken a deep breath and talked to you calmly. Next time, I’ll try to handle it better.” This not only repairs the relationship but also shows them how to take responsibility for their actions.
Teach coping strategies: Equip your child with tools to handle their own emotions. Talk about calming techniques like taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or stepping away from a situation to cool down. These strategies will help them learn to manage their feelings of anger constructively, just like they see you doing. Encourage them to express their feelings with words rather than physical actions.
It’s about progress, not perfection
At the end of the day, we’re all human, and moments of frustration and anger are inevitable. What matters most is that we remain mindful of how we handle those moments, knowing that our children are watching and learning. By showing them healthy ways to cope with anger and being open about our own mistakes, we can teach them valuable life skills. And remember, every day is a chance to try again.