Apologising to your child correctly

All parents make mistakes - whether it’s losing our temper, breaking a promise, or making a decision that doesn’t go as planned. While it’s normal to occasionally slip up, what we do afterward can have a lasting impact. Apologising to our children isn’t just a way to fix a mistake; it’s a powerful way to teach humility, accountability, and empathy. When done thoughtfully, an apology can actually strengthen your bond with your child and give them lifelong tools for building healthy relationships and confidence.

Why apologising to your child matters

  • Teaches accountability: Children learn by observing, and when they see their parents take responsibility, they understand that everyone, including adults, can make mistakes and own up to them.

  • Builds trust: Apologising shows your child that their feelings matter and that they can rely on you to respect them. This strengthens trust and makes them feel valued.

  • Encourages emotional intelligence: By witnessing an apology, children learn to process emotions, understand empathy, and approach conflicts more thoughtfully.

  • Boosts confidence: Apologising assures your child that mistakes don’t diminish a person’s worth and that resolving conflicts with honesty and kindness is a valuable skill.

Apologising by age: Do’s and don’ts

Toddlers (1-3 years)

At this age, toddlers are learning to navigate their own emotions and respond to simple explanations.

Do: Keep it simple and concrete

  • Example: “I’m sorry I got upset. I should have used a calm voice.”

  • Explain in basic terms how you’re feeling and what you will do differently next time.

  • Effectively use your body language, like gentle eye contact or a comforting touch, to help them feel secure.

Don’t: Over-explain or expect them to fully understand

  • Avoid lengthy explanations or expecting them to respond in a specific way. Toddlers are still learning about emotions, and a simple acknowledgment is enough.

Preschoolers (3-5 years)

Preschoolers are beginning to understand the concept of right and wrong and can grasp simple explanations of why an apology is necessary.

Do: Use clear language to explain why you’re apologising and how it affects them

  • Example: “I’m sorry I raised my voice. It wasn’t right, and I don’t want you to feel scared.”

  • Ask them if they feel okay or if they need a hug to help them feel secure and loved.

Don’t: Blame external factors or shift responsibility

  • Avoid saying things like, “I yelled because I was stressed.” Instead, focus on taking ownership.

Elementary school kids (6-12 years)

At this age, children can better understand intentions, so it’s important to show humility and honesty in your apology. They’re starting to develop their own sense of justice and fairness, so apologies should be sincere.

Do: Acknowledge how your actions impacted them and explain what you’ll do differently

  • Example: “I’m sorry I missed our game because I was on my phone. I understand it made you feel disappointed. Next time, I’ll put my phone away so I can focus on you.”

  • Use this as a chance to model the importance of making amends, showing that it’s not just words but actions that count.

Don’t: Brush off their feelings or minimise the situation.

  • Avoid phrases like, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll get over it.” Validating their emotions helps them feel respected and teaches empathy.

Teenagers (13+ years)

Teenagers can handle more complex discussions and appreciate a genuine apology that treats them as mature individuals. They’re often highly attuned to authenticity and fairness, so a sincere approach is essential.

Do: Have an open conversation where you take full responsibility, and be prepared to listen

  • Example: “I realise I was wrong to speak to you that way, and I’m sorry if it hurt you. I’ll work on speaking more respectfully. How did it make you feel?”

  • Ask for their feedback, show you’re genuinely interested in how your actions affected them, and discuss ways to rebuild trust if necessary.

Don’t: Defend or justify your actions.

  • Avoid saying, “You made me act that way.” Instead, own your response fully, as this shows integrity and accountability.

The importance of apologising

When you apologise to your child, you’re not only repairing the moment; you’re modeling valuable life skills that help them grow into confident, compassionate adults. Here’s how an apology can positively impact their development:

  • Children who see that their feelings are validated and respected develop a strong sense of self-worth. They understand that they deserve kindness and fair treatment, which builds confidence.

  • An apology models empathy. Children learn that acknowledging someone’s feelings, especially when they’re hurt, is an important part of relationships. This helps them become considerate and emotionally aware individuals.

  • When they see you apologise and work to make things right, children learn that conflicts can be resolved positively. This builds resilience and teaches them not to fear mistakes but to view them as opportunities to grow.

  • When children know that their parents are willing to apologise, they feel safer expressing their own feelings. This openness fosters a trusting relationship and encourages honest communication throughout their lives.

Apologising to your child is not a sign of weakness; it’s an opportunity to model strength, compassion, and integrity. Every age brings unique ways to show your child that owning up to mistakes is a healthy, constructive part of relationships. By apologising sincerely, you’re not only helping them feel seen and valued but also giving them a framework for handling their own emotions and interactions.

Remember, each day is a new chance to practice and grow together. Parenting is about guiding, learning, and showing up with love and humility - qualities that will resonate in your child’s heart long after the moment has passed.