Dealing with anger outbursts: Calming techniques that actually work

We’ve all been there - witnessing a child or teenager experience an anger outburst that seems to come out of nowhere. One minute they’re fine, and the next, they’re slamming doors, shouting, or crying in frustration. It can be overwhelming not just for them, but for you too. So how do we help kids and teens regulate their emotions and manage these intense feelings of anger?

Understanding anger

First, it’s important to understand that anger is a natural emotion, and like adults, children and teens experience it for various reasons. Often, their emotional responses are linked to feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, misunderstood, or out of control. They may not yet have the tools or words to express what’s truly going on inside. While we might not always know the exact reason behind their anger, what matters most is how we teach them to handle it.

Calming techniques

Let’s look at some calming techniques that can help both in the heat of the moment and as long-term strategies to manage anger more constructively.

Encourage deep breathing

Deep breathing can be incredibly effective in calming an angry or overwhelmed mind. When your child or teen is in the middle of an outburst, encourage them to take a few deep breaths. This helps slow down their heart rate and relax their body, making it easier for them to think clearly.

Try the “4-7-8” technique together:

• Inhale for 4 seconds

• Hold the breath for 7 seconds

• Exhale slowly for 8 seconds

Practicing this regularly, even (and especially) when they’re not upset, can make it easier for them to use it in moments of frustration.

Give them space

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is allow your child or teen some space to cool down. When emotions are running high, reasoning with them can feel like trying to stop a tsunami. Give them space where they can decompress without pressure. Let them know it’s okay to step away from the situation until they feel ready to talk.

Use physical movement

Physical activity can be an effective way for children and teens to release pent-up energy and anger. Encourage them to do something active, whether it’s jumping on a trampoline, going for a run, hitting a pillow, or simply walking outside. Movement helps shift focus from their anger and provides a healthy outlet to burn off some steam.

Model calm behaviour

Kids and teens often mirror the behaviour of the adults around them. If you respond to their anger with anger, it will escalate the situation. Instead, remain calm and composed. This can be hard in the heat of the moment, but it’s incredibly powerful. By staying calm, you show them that it’s possible to manage anger without losing control.

Try using a low, soothing voice and simple language like, “I see you’re really angry right now. Let’s take a minute to cool down.”

Teach problem-solving skills

Once the anger has passed and your child or teen is calm, talk through what happened. Help them identify what triggered their anger and brainstorm ways they could handle it differently next time. This helps them develop problem-solving skills and empowers them to manage their own emotions. Ask open-ended questions like:

• “What made you feel angry?”

• “How did your body feel when you were mad?”

• “What could you do next time to feel better?”

These questions help them understand their emotions and reactions, and they encourage self-reflection.

Create a calming routine

Developing a consistent routine can help kids and teens learn to manage their emotions before anger even arises. Encourage them to engage in calming activities like reading, drawing, listening to music, or practicing mindfulness exercises regularly. These activities build emotional resilience and give them tools they can turn to when they feel overwhelmed.

Practice the “pause”

Teach your child or teen the power of the “pause.” When they feel anger bubbling up, encourage them to take a moment before reacting. Even just 5-10 seconds can make a big difference in helping them regain control. This might take time to develop, but practicing this together during calm moments can help make it a habit.

Why helping children manage their anger matters

When children and teens feel overwhelmed by anger, it’s not just a behaviour issue - it’s an emotional one. They need guidance to learn how to regulate their feelings and express them in a healthy way. Anger can be confusing for them, and without the right tools, it can lead to frustration, shame, or acting out. By equipping them with these calming techniques, you’re not only helping them manage their emotions in the moment, but you’re also giving them lifelong skills to handle challenges in the future.

Learning to deal with anger is part of growing up. With your support and these strategies, your child or teen can learn that while anger is normal, how we manage it is what really counts.