Phrases to help an anxious child

1.    “Can you draw it?”

Drawing, painting, or doodling about a worry provides children with an outlet for their feelings when they cannot use their words.

2.    “I love you. You are safe.”

Being told that you will be kept safe by the person you love most is a powerful affirmation. Remember, anxiety makes your child feel as if their mind and body are in danger. Repeating that they are safe can soothe the nervous system.

3.    “Let’s pretend we are blowing up a giant balloon. We will take a deep breath and brow it up to the count of 5.”

If you tell a child to take a deep breath in the middle of a panic attack, you will most likely hear “I CAN’T DO IT!”. Instead, calmly make a game of it. Pretend to blow up a balloon, making funny noises in the process. Taking 3 deep breaths and blowing them out can reverse the stress response in the body and may even result in a few giggles.

4.    “I will say something and I want you to say it exactly as I do: ‘I can do this’.”

*do this 10 times at different voice volumes

If it works for marathon runners, it will most likely work for your child also.

5.    “Why do you think that is?”

This is especially helpful for older children who can better explain the “why” in what they are feeling.

6.    “What will happen next?”

If your child is anxious about an event, help them think through the event and identify what will come after it. Anxiety causes myopic vision - making it difficult for the person to visualise life after the event.

7.    “We are an unstoppable team”

Separation is a powerful anxiety trigger for young children. Reassure them that you will work together, even if they can’t see you.

8.    Have a battle cry: “I am a warrior; I am unstoppable; Look out world, here I come!”

There is a reason why movies show people yelling before they go into battle. The physical act of yelling replaces fear with endorphins. It can also be fun.

9.    “If how you feel was a monster, what would it look like?”

Giving anxiety an image, means you take a confusing feeling and make it concrete and palpable. Once children have a worry character, they can talk to their worry.

10.         “I can’t wait until …”

Excitement about a future moment can be contagious, also helping distract your child from their anxious thoughts.

11.         Let’s put your worry on the shelf while we … (listen to your favourite song, run around the block, read this story). Then we can pick it up again”.

Those who are anxiety-prone often feel as though they have to carry their anxiety until whatever they feel anxious about is over. This is especially difficult when your children are anxious about something they cannot change in the future. Setting it aside to do something fun can help put their worries into perspective.

12.         “This feeling will go away. Let’s get comfortable until it does.”

The act of getting comfortable calms the mind as well as the body. Weighted blankets have been shown to reduce anxiety by increasing mild physical stimuli.

13.         “Let’s learn more about it.”

Let your children explore their fears by asking as many questions as they need. Remember, knowledge is power!

14.         “Let’s count …”

This distraction technique requires no advance preparation. Counting the number of people wearing boots, the number of watches, the number of children, the number of hats in the room requires observation and thought – both of which detract from the anxiety your child is experiencing.

15.         “I need you to tell me when 2 minutes have gone by.”

Time is a powerful tool when children feel anxious. By watching a clock or a watch for movement, a child has a focus point other than what is happening.

16.         “Close your eyes. Picture this …”

Visualisation is a powerful technique used to ease pain and anxiety. Guide your child through imagining a safe, warm, happy, place where they feel comfortable. If they are listening, physical symptoms of anxiety symptoms of anxiety will dissipate.

17.         “I get scared/nervous/anxious sometimes too. It’s no fun.”

Empathy wins in many situations. It may even strike a conversation with an older child about how you overcame anxiety.

18.         “Let’s pull out our calm-down checklist.”

Anxiety can hijack the logical brain; carry a checklist with coping skills your child has practiced. When the presents itself, operate off of this checklist.

19.         “You are not alone in how you feel.”

Pointing out all of the people who may share their fears and anxieties helps your child understand that experiencing anxiety and overcoming it is universal.

20.         “Tell me the worst thing that could possibly happen.”

Once you have imagined the worst possible outcome of the worry, talk about the likelihood of that worst possible situation happening. Next, ask about the best possible outcome. Finally, you can ask about the most likely outcome. The goal is to help your child think more critically and accurately during their anxious experience.

21.         “I’m taking a deep breath”

Model a calming strategy to encourage imitation.

22.         “Worrying is helpful sometimes.”

This seems completely counter-intuitive to tell a child that is already anxious, but pointing out why anxiety is helpful reassures your child that there is nothing wrong with them, and potentially consider any positive attributes to it.

23.         “What does your thought bubble say?”

If your child reads comics, they are familiar with thought bubbles and how they move the story along. By talking about their thoughts as third-party observers, they can gain perspective on them.

24.         “Let’s find some evidence.”

Collecting evidence to support or refute your child’s reasons for anxiety helps him/her see whether or not the worries are based on fact.

25.         “Let’s have a debate”.

Older children especially love this exercise as they have permission to debate their parents. Have a point counter-point style debate about the reasons for your child’s anxiety. You may learn a lot about their reasoning in the process.

26.         “What is the first piece we need to worry about?”

Anxiety often makes mountains out of molehills. One of the most important strategies for overcoming anxiety is to break the mountain back down into manageable chunks. By doing this, your child can realise that the entire experience isn’t causing anxiety, just one or two parts – making it more manageable.

27.         “Let’s list all of the people you love.”

Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. If that statement is true, then love is anxiety’s greatest killer as well. By recalling all of the people that your child loves, and why, love can replace (or reduce) the feelings of anxiety.

28.         “Remember when …”

Competence breeds confidence. Confidence quells anxiety. Helping children recall a time when they overcame their anxiety gives them feelings of competence and confidence in their abilities.

29.         “I am proud of you already!”

Knowing you are pleased with their efforts, regardless of the outcome, alleviates the need to do it perfectly – a source of stress for many.

30.         “We are going for a walk.”

Exercise relieves anxiety for up to several hours as it burns excess energy, loosens tense muscles and boosts mood. If your child cannot take a walk at the moment, you can ask them to run in their place, bounce on a yoga ball, jump rope or stretch.

31.         “Let’s watch your thought pass by.”

Ask your child to pretend the anxious thought is a train that has stopped at the station above their head. In a few minutes, like all trains, the thought will move on to its next destination.

32.         “How can I help?”

Let your child guide the situation and tell you what calming strategy or tool they prefer in this situation.

33.         “This feeling will pass”

Often, children will feel as if the feelings of anxiety are never-ending. Instead of shutting down or avoiding, remind them that relief is on its way.

34.         “Let’s squeeze this stress ball together”

When your child directs their anxiety to a stress ball, they feel emotional relief. Have a stress ball, a handful of playdough nearby, or make your own stress ball with flour or rice.

35.         “I see Widdle is worried again. Lets teach Widdle not to worry.”

Create a character to represent the worry, such as Widdle the Worrier. Tell your child that Widdle is worried and you need to teach him some coping skills.

36.         “I know this is hard”.

Acknowledge that the situation is difficult. Your validation shows your child that you respect him/her.

37.         “I have your smell buddy here”.

A smell buddy, fragrance necklace or diffuser can calm anxiety. Most soothing fragrances include lavender, sage, chamomile and jasmine.

38.         “Tell me about it”.

Without interrupting, listen to your child talk about what is bothering them. Talking it out can give your child time to process their thoughts and come up with a solution that works for her/him.

39.         “You are so brave!”

Affirm your child’s ability to handle the situation, and thus empowering them to succeed.

40.         “Which calming strategy do you want to use right now?”

As each anxious situation is different, give your child the opportunity to choose a calming strategy.

41.         “We’ll get through this together!”

Supporting your child with your presence and commitment can empower them to persevere until the scary situation is over.

42.         “What else do you know about the … (scary thing)?”

When children face a consistent anxiety, you can research it together when they are calm. Read books about the scary thing and learn as much as possible about it. When the anxiety surfaces again, ask your child to recall what they had learned. This step removes the power from the scary thing, and empowers your child.

43.         “Let’s go to your happy place”

Visualisation is an effective tool against anxiety. When your child is calm, practice this calming strategy until they are able to use it successfully during anxious moments.

44.         “Remember when you made it through XYZ?”

Reminding your child of a past success will encourage them to persevere in this situation.

45.         “What do you need from me?”

It can be a hug, some space or a solution!

46.         “If you could give your feeling a colour, what would it be?”

Asking another person to identify what they are feeling in the midst of anxiety is nearly impossible. But asking your child to explain how they feel with a colour, gives them a chance to think about how they feel relative to something simple. Follow up by asking why their feeling is that colour.

47.         “Help me move this wall!”

Hard work, like pushing on a wall, relieves tension and emotions. Resistance bands also work well.

48.         “Let’s write a new story”

Your child has written a story in their mind about how the future is going to turn out. This future makes them feel anxious. Accept their story and then ask them to come up with a few more plot lines where the story’s ending is different!