Why does my child talk with you and not me?
As a psychologist, one of the most common questions I hear from parents is: “Why does my child open up to you, but not to me?” This question often comes with a mix of frustration, confusion, and even self-doubt. If you’ve ever wondered the same thing, let me reassure you: this is a completely normal and natural process, and it’s not a reflection of your parenting.
In fact, the very fact that your child feels safe enough to talk to someone is a good thing - it’s a sign of their trust in the process and their willingness to work through their feelings.
I’m neutral
As a psychologist, I don’t come with the same history or emotional ties as a parent. For children, that neutrality can feel freeing. I’m not someone they have to see every day or someone they worry about disappointing. Instead, I’m an objective listener who won’t react emotionally to what they share.
For example, if a child is feeling angry about a rule or a decision, they may hesitate to express those feelings to a parent out of fear of causing hurt or escalating tension. With me, they feel less pressure and more permission to express themselves openly.
They worry about your reactions
Children (especially older ones) care deeply about their parents’ feelings, even when it doesn’t seem that way. They may hold back sharing difficult emotions or thoughts because they don’t want to upset you, feel judged, or add to your stress.
In therapy, there’s an understanding that our space is a judgment-free zone. A child can say, “I feel so frustrated at my parents” or “I feel sad all the time,” knowing that those words won’t hurt me or change how I feel about them. That safety helps them open up.
It’s easier to talk to someone new
Have you ever found yourself sharing something personal with a stranger, perhaps in a random conversation, because it felt easier than talking to someone close to you? Children and teens can feel the same way.
They may see me as a fresh start, someone who doesn’t have preconceptions about them. They don’t have to worry about me remembering mistakes from the past or interpreting their words based on years of shared experiences.
The therapy setting is structured for listening
Life at home is often busy. There are meals to prepare, errands to run, and routines to follow. Even in the most loving families, it can be hard to find uninterrupted time to sit down and truly listen.
Therapy is different - it’s a space intentionally designed for listening and reflecting. Kids know that this time is just for them, with no distractions or competing priorities. This focused attention helps build trust and encourages them to share more.
They’re testing the waters
Sometimes, children talk to me first because they’re still figuring out how they feel. They might not fully understand their emotions yet, and the therapy space gives them a chance to sort through their thoughts before bringing them to you.
As we work together, many children feel more confident expressing their feelings at home because they’ve had the chance to practice and process them in a safe environment.
It’s not about replacing you
One of the most important things to emphasise is that I’m not here to replace your role as a parent. I often remind children during sessions: “Your parents are your biggest supporters. My job is to help you find ways to share what’s on your mind with them.”
A large part of therapy is helping children strengthen their relationships with their families. I may teach them ways to express their feelings, resolve conflicts, or communicate more effectively - all with the goal of fostering a stronger connection at home.
What can you do as a parent?
While it’s normal for children to open up more easily in therapy, there are some simple ways to encourage open communication at home:
Create judgment-free moments
Set aside time for one-on-one connection where your child feels heard without fear of criticism. Let them know it’s okay to share whatever is on their mind.
Be patient
Children may need time to feel ready to open up. Even if they don’t talk much at first, your presence and willingness to listen matter more than you think.
Acknowledge their feelings
When your child shares something, focus on validating their emotions rather than jumping to problem-solving. For example, saying “That sounds really tough” can go a long way.
Ask open-ended questions
Instead of “How was your day?” try questions like “What was the best part of your day?” or “Was there anything tricky to handle today?”