Parents listen up: A tool for handling difficult emotions!

Resist the strong urge to ask your distressed child questions.

It is a natural parent’s response when you see your child unwell, distressed, miserable, sad, or upset - to enter parental detective mode and try to find out what it was that caused your perfect little angel to not be happy!

Questions such as “Are you sad?”, “Did that make you angry?”, “Why are you crying?”, “Why are you screaming?” are the first and natural responses. These, however, do not invite your child to open. Short or even gentle questions like these, even if well-intended, can feel like an interrogation to a distressed child. He may not know why he is sad. She may not be able to express her distress in words.

I’m coming in with a slightly different suggestion and approach when facing a distressed child: resist your urge to respond by asking questions.

I’d think that even adults would feel threatened in a similar situation. Being asked and expected to justify our emotional state, while wondering whether our explanation will live up to the standards of the person asking the question? That’s stressful! What if we’re met with an “Oh, that’s all?” or “You shouldn’t be upset for that!”? Now not only are we feeling upset for whatever happened previously, but we are also embarrassed, feeling awkward, invalidated, and isolated.

By stating or describing the emotional state of our child, rather than asking questions, you are directly showing them that you accept their feelings and do not need any justification of them.

You don’t need to know the reason someone is upset to empathise with them.

You can say “You look sad/angry”, “Something is bothering you” or the simplest “Something happened”. Such phrases invite your young child to talk if they feel like talking, but also provides comfort if they don’t. Imagine the comfort and burden taken off their overwhelmed little shoulders to know that mum, or dad, or teacher, understand that I’m not ok and are there for me!