Repairing a parent-child relationship: What to say after you lost it
It would be much easier if I suggested for you to “get over it” or “step away” or even “pretend like it never happened”. But that doesn’t lead to a repaired relationship between a parent and child. It also does more damage than good! Consider trying this instead 👇
I want to say I’m sorry. Earlier, I felt stressed and frustrated, and I yelled at you. I am sorry if I scared you or made you feel sad. I love you very much! I will try to do a better at not yelling when I have big feelings.
Truth time: The one thing that feels worse than yelling and losing your temper with your child, is the gut-wrenching guilt that follows.
Maybe also when you, later on, scroll through social media and spot Anna’s, Mary’s, Jonathan’s, Andrea’s, Christina’s, Chris’ or John’s post about their perfect family and their perfect children, and their perfect crafts and their perfect home, and result in the negative thought loop of “I am the WORST parent! I’m not cut out for being a parent, I’m damaging my children”.
I have studied parenting skills, I have been trained by parenting experts and mental health professionals, I have read so many parenting books, I have read even more parent discipline studies .. I know of many tips and tools to calm myself and toddlers, children, teenagers, and adults. Truth time: I still lose my temper when I’m pushed to my limits past my breaking point. IT’S HUMAN NATURE! We all lose it. And that’s ok! I choose not to emphasise on the fact that I (a human with feelings) lost it, but more on how to repair that relationship after the breaking point!
Every one of us has lost our temper with another human being. And every one of you is a GREAT parent!
Here is a good technique you can use to combat your guilt: Repair! Show your child that big feelings do happen and that you also feel angry, sad, stressed, lonely at times. THEN model exactly how you’d like your child to respond to these feelings after they maybe have lost their temper, messed up, lashed out.
How to repair with your child:
🌈 Start with an apology: “I want to say I’m sorry.”
🌈 Tell the story: “Before I felt ___ and I yelled.”
🌈 Validate their feelings: “I’m so sorry if I scared you or made you feel sad.”
🌈 Reinforce your unconditional love: “I love you so much!”
🌈 Teach coping skills: “I will try to do a better job at not yelling when I have big feelings.”
How to repair with yourself:
🌈 This is just as important as the section above. It is vital that you restore and repair yourself, so you can show up as an even better parent tomorrow! What do you need? Is it sipping on a cup of tea by yourself? Going for a walk/run? Catching up with a friend? Watching an episode of your favourite show? Taking a shower? Reading a page from your book? Whatever YOU need to repair yourself, you do that!
🌈 If you are stuck in an endless cycle of yelling, remind yourself that you are not alone AND that you deserve the tools, help and specific strategies to get out of the endless power struggle dynamic 🌪 A mental health professional, trained in parenting skills can help and teach you how to remain calm, while being the confident co-leader in your home. These can help get you out of the horrible cycle of yelling and becoming the parent you can be and want to be. 🌈