How to handle manipulative behaviours from children: a “how to” guide for parents

Parents: This is for you!

As adults, we try to get what we want from others, and will try many tactics to get there; and so do children! It can be hard to distinguish between manipulative behaviours from upset or angry responses in children. Manipulative behaviours are not a result of a child who hates you, wants to hurt you, or a reflection of you. A child using manipulative behaviours is absolutely typical part of growing up! The child is aware that specific (manipulative) behaviours help them get what they want, so they use it. It’s as simple as that. The challenge is deciding how you respond to these behaviours.

“If I give my grandparents a little whine and a look = attention”

“If I scream and throw myself on the floor in a busy supermarket = more candy”

“If I say please = get what I ask for”

How do you avoid becoming triggered or giving in to the demands of a child?

First step is knowing what manipulative behaviours looks like. This will help you be better equipped to quickly and effectively adjusting your response. Manipulative behaviours are techniques or acts used deliberately to influence a result. They can look like tantrums or emotional blackmail (“you don’t love me”), excessive crying, refusal to eat or talk, or ignoring.

It is important for you to understand why your child is showing these behaviours (what they want to gain). Then you are in the position to choose how to respond. Here are a few ideas:

Acknowledge their feelings without reacting to the manipulation

It is normal to get upset or angry when someone ‘attacks’ or attempts to manipulate us – even if that someone is our own child. You do not want to enter an emotional war with your child, nor do you want to teach them that to get what they want, they need to resort to manipulative tactics. You are the adult, with the fully developed brain who knows they love their child, and can discipline and teach them effectively. You know your child’s brain development is still at early stages, and not close to fully formed yet! This means, that you know that your child cannot control their behaviour. But you can! Respond by remaining calm, and showing understanding towards your child’s frustration or upset feelings: “it is not fun to feel this way”, or “I can see you are feeling angry because I said no”. 

Prepare for a negative response

When a child/teenager has a request or desire and they are not given permission for is (wants to play video games for 10 hours straight), it is almost expected that they will react negatively. Hence the manipulative behaviour to get what they want. This is when we need to remind ourselves that their negative responses when they can’t have what they want, are completely normal!! A manipulative behaviour will follow if the child has figured that it works in getting what they want. If you anticipate and are prepared for their negative response, it is more likely for you to remain calm and firm.

Stick to your decision (consciously!)

Part of the reason parents give in to manipulative behaviours is because they aren’t sure why they are setting a restriction or certain rules to their children. For example, if you believe that playing video games for more than 2 hours a day can be harmful to your child, you are likely to not allow them to do it.

However, when a manipulative behaviour takes the form of intense statements (such as “you don’t love me anymore” or “I’m not eating then’”), one could more easily change their opinion and think “it wouldn’t be that bad if he played his video games 3 hours today”. 

Think about your response, from your child’s perspective: they wanted to play more hours of video games. You said “no”. They tried a few ways to make you say “yes” (manipulative behaviour). You eventually did say “yes”. BINGO! Your child found a magic button they can push to turn a no into a yes.

How can you avoid this?

As a first step, try to understand yourself why you are saying no. The firmer your reasons for saying no, the less are the chances of giving in. This might sound easy to some, but can be tricky. There are cases that you might decide that a no, can be turned into a yes if certain conditions are met.

For example, if your teenager wants to go to a party, and your initial response was “no” (because of an upcoming science test they have in the week) then maybe you decide to set the opportunity of the “no” becoming a “yes”. This could be that if the material for the test is covered by the night before the party, then you will permit your child to attend the party.

Don’t explain your decision at the moment

Explaining to a child why you’re saying “no” can be very helpful at certain points. However, if you spot manipulative behaviours and you try to calm your child down by explaining why you said “no”, you are likely to enter a negotiation contest with your child. Let the intense moment (and attempted manipulation) pass, by remaining calm and acknowledging their feelings, and then at a later moment, you could explain the reasons for your refusal. When they are calm and open to hearing what you have to say. 

Note from me:

Try to remember that your children don’t mean to hurt you when using these behaviours. They are simply trying to get what they want. It’s okay if our children don’t agree with us, or don’t like us for a while. And in these moments, perhaps it helps to remind ourselves of our reasons for saying “no”, and remember that as our children get older, some “no’s” will be fair to be turned into “yes” – which will show our child that we trust them, and support their desire to explore the world, and interests, safely.