Apologising to your child

You just lost your temper. You yelled at your child. You maybe even threatened them. You said something that you now regret, and feel so guilty.

We’ve all been there. Let me remind you of something in this moment of guilt and regret. You are human, and it is natural to make mistakes. You have your triggers. THIS is real life. 

This is the situation now. You lost it on your child. For something small, or something big. You want to apologise. You decided you will apologise to your child - but you aren’t sure how to go about doing it. OR you find yourself placing blame on your child for your own behaviour. Please consider these questions before reading on. 

Do you ever apologise to your child after you have blown up? (Yes/no)

When was the last time you apologised to your child? (It’s been a long time/Just the other day)

When you apologise to your child, do you ever just find yourself blaming them in your apology? (Not sure/no blame here). An apology with blame sounds like: “I’m sorry, but if you would just listen…” or “I’m sorry...but how many times do I have to ask you?” Notice the blame?

Of course your child’s behaviour impacts you, there’s no doubt about that! BUT does your child’s behaviour impact YOUR behaviour?

YOU are the one that ultimately controls your own emotions and your own behaviours. It’s up to you to manage them. It’s not up to your child or anyone else. You being the one in charge also means that you are in charge of your own self, your own behaviours and your own emotions! 

Practice apologising without any blame for example - “I’m sorry about earlier, I had some really strong emotions and when I’m feeling such strong emotions, I can have really strong reactions. Grown ups do that too, just like kids! When I‘m feeling that way, I want to work on slowing dooooown, calming myself down, and thinking. It’s not always easy, and I’m still learning, we both are”. Embrace this by also saying “these are the ways I’m practicing to slow down and calm myself down I’m feeling so angry. I’m going to tell myself: wow this is tough, and I know I can do it. What do you think you can do to help yourself when you are feeling upset?”.

Let’s dig a bit deeper and examine what is happening here: you are modeling emotional ownership and true accountability over your behaviour, you are showing your child that emotional regulation and emotional growth is a process that takes time, practice, and effort. You are also talking openly and normalising mistake-making. All these skills are immensely important for children but also mentally healthy adults. Because let’s not forget, that whatever you teach your child now, whether positive or negative, helpful or unhelpful, they will use for a long time.

You can also refer to this article to read more about tantrums and meltdowns, this article about what to do during a meltdown, and this article to learn more ideas on how to handle your family after you have lost it.