Teaching children about anxiety
This is a follow-up post from my previous, regarding Taming Anxiety. Here you will find some ideas regarding how you can teach children about anxiety.
Anxiety 101
1. Think about anxiety and stress in two separate ways: words and visuals.
a. We cannot know how children already think of anxiety and what they have already been exposed to in terms of this very difficult feeling. So it is now up to us, as adults who care and love them more than anything else, to teach them the different words that are related to anxiety: such as worried, stress, nervous, tense, shy, troubled, panicked.
b. It is also important for children to be aware of how anxiety looks like. For example, it might include an image of someone crying or asking for help, raising their eyebrows or having tense eyebrows, biting their nails, someone hiding away from a situation, or tapping their leg on the floor. Please do not forget, however, that even though all these can be true, anxiety is not such a simple emotion to spot. Teach your children not to overlook the fact that someone might be feeling stressed or worried, and still appear “fine”, or “angry” or “sad” or “alone”.
2. What better way to learn than by examples? The application can be immensely helpful for children. I’ve worked with children who thought that worries are only related to spiders, snakes, and the dark. In reality, there are so many more things to be worried about, such as grades, friendships, safety, family, health, getting in trouble, trauma and so many more. Do not forget to explain that we can also feel worried about something that has already happened, something that is happening now, or something that can possibly happen in the future. Anxiety applies to the past, the present, and the future.
3. If a child has a stomach ache, one of the first things a medical health professional (nurse or doctor) will ask is “are you feeling nervous about something?”. The reason for this is that because humans often get physical symptoms if they are feeling anxious. This can include stomach aches, dizziness, headaches, dehydration, shaking, sweating. So now I’m proposing teaching the physical symptoms of anxiety to children - equip them with the knowledge to spot anxiety on their own.
4. Sometimes it might seem like our children are feeling angry, when in reality, if we dig a little deeper, they are actually feeling anxious. Anxiety often feels like anger, which leads us to act in a way that seems angry. Help your children understand that sometimes we might look angry, but behind that anger mask, is actually worry.
a. Private FYI: I share with my clients that most of the time I feel angry, raise my voice, or act cranky, I’m actually feeling worried about something. Sharing a private experience often helps children relate better.
5. Children, and adults sometimes, also need to be taught that anxious feelings, like all feelings, are experienced on a scale. As humans, we can feel slightly nervous or uncomfortable, we can feel stressed, and we can also feel completely panicked about a situation. A child being able to scale their anxiety is super important.
a. Scaling helps children understand that not all situations will lead to the end of the world.
b. Anxiety interventions do not completely take away the feeling of stress, however, lessen it to a more manageable degree.
c. Just like being able to name our feeling of worry, it is equally important to acknowledge that the intensity of worry has lessened.
d. I use feelings scales daily at work, and children find them super helpful.
6. For slightly older children, it helps when they understand the physiological reason for worry – why we feel stressed. That’s where, as adults, we teach them about the most primitive part of our brain, our amygdala, and how that is responsible for a lot of our worried feelings. It is the part of our brain that recognized a potential danger and acts fast to keep us safe.
a. But when we are not in real danger and our brain is still super anxious, that does more hurt than help. We might become snappy and pick arguments with others, we might be rude to others, we might freeze and not do anything, or we might even try to escape the situation altogether.
b. As humans, it is natural for us to feel stronger and more empowered when we understand that our feeling of anxiety comes from the brain – the emotion becomes normalized.
Here are the good news:
Everyone has a feeling of anxiety and everyone worries sometimes. Your child is not alone.
More good news:
If you or your child is having a lot of anxiety, there are many things that you and your child can do about it that will help.
When a child understands what anxiety is, what it feels like, and what it looks like and can then identify and accept it, that’s when the real healing comes in! That’s when they can move on towards getting help from you or a professional.