Time-outs as punishment
When it comes to teaching our children which behaviours are appropriate and which are not, we often revert to punishment. One of the most well-known, and widely used punishments is the “time-out”.
Firstly, let’s clarify what is a time-out and why parents often use it when our children exhibit undesirable behaviours. Time-outs are a brief period (a few minutes) where a child is “required” to withdraw from an activity they have been doing and sit at a quiet spot. As the name itself implies, a time-out is a time-off - a time away. It has proven helpful when parents know why and in which cases techniques such as a time-out are most beneficial. Time-outs work as an intervention to a behaviour by removing the child from an environment of reinforcers. Reinforcers are objects, activities or even people who encourage a behaviour.
If you need to use a time-out, chances are that your child is exhibiting some unacceptable or unwanted behaviours. Furthermore, while engaging in these behaviours, your child is most probably surrounded by reinforcers such as other children, toys, food, etc. In this case, a time-out is helpful in immediately stopping the unwanted behaviour, by removing the child from all the reinforcers that trigger or encourage the unwanted behaviours.
Time-outs can help stop a behaviour, but do not necessarily change or improve behaviour in the long term. This can be accomplished later through communication with your child, regarding reinforcers and rewards for desirable behaviours, alongside other techniques.
Some of the advantages of time-outs are:
- Gives space and time for the child to calm down (since reinforcers are removed)
- Children learn to soothe themselves
Some disadvantages of time-outs are:
- If a time-out is used with the intention to stop a behaviour in the long term, this might lead to ignorance of the reasons behind problematic or undesirable behaviours. As a result, we might fail to deal with deeper behavioural problems or challenges our child is facing.
- If the intention of a time out is not communicated effectively to our child, it can be misinterpreted as rejection for doing something wrong, or can even disrupt the bond between the caregiver and child. This can lead to the belief that love and attention by a parent are conditional, and deserved only when exhibiting desirable behaviours.
- If not communicated and carried out efficiently, time-outs can result to an angry child or (in the case that they were playing with friends) left with a feeling of embarrassment, upset and left out.
Alternative methods to stop undesirable behaviours
A common alternative is the technique of time-ins. A time-in is similar to a time-out in the sense that the child is removed from the reinforcer. However, during a time-in, the parent or caregiver accompanies their child, and stays with them during the “break”. It is important during this time to validate your child’s emotions. Let them know it is okay to feel what they are feeling and that you understand their frustration, sadness, disappointment. Stay with them and offer them a hug, or even just your presence.
Some of the advantages of time-ins are:
Your child feels safe with you, during the processing and understanding of unwanted or triggering emotions.
Your child knows that even though their behaviour is not ideal, they are still loved, and connected to you.
Your child learns how to manage and deal with their feelings without feeling rejected or alone. It is important to note that your presence during a time-in should be a calm and understanding presence, rather than one who criticises, questions, interrogates or patronises the child.
Final notes
Consider allocating a minute per year of age for the timeline of a time-in or time-out. So a child who is 3 years old, should be given a 3-minute time-out or time-in.
During a time-out, it is immensely discouraged to explain to the child what they did wrong. If you engage with your child during a time-out in such a way, you are giving them attention and thus reinforcing their misbehaviour. You can discuss what and why the behaviour was wrong after the time-out is over.
Try your best to avoid giving a time-out when the situation is out of your child’s control - for example if behaving wrong because they are hungry or in pain.
A time-out can be beneficial when your child seems “out of control” and overly stimulated. However, it is better to use time-outs within limits and not in isolation – routine and persistence can help your child understand the purpose of the time-out, as well as increase its effectiveness. If you choose to use time-outs as a technique, it is encouraged to accompany them with other techniques such as communication and positive reinforcement. Time-ins can serve as great alternatives to time-outs, helping both the child and caregiver maintain their bond through what can be a confusing and upsetting situation for both.
If you are considering using a time-out as a behaviour modification method, reach out to a professional who can also offer advice, making sure the technique proves helpful for both the parent and the child.